


Drowning in the Light

by Insertagoodpunhere



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, I haven't decided yet, Not Canon Compliant, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, So much angst, There will be death, father-figure han, giving ben solo character development, i mean sort of canon compliant, leia and han should go to couples counseling, mother-figure leia, what even is star wars canon now?, will he be redeemed tho?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28486026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insertagoodpunhere/pseuds/Insertagoodpunhere
Summary: The reader is a Jedi Padawan training under Luke Skywalker and is best friends with one Ben Solo. Unfortunately, just as soon as we meet her, it seems that her whole life flips upside down. Will the dark side succeed in destroying everything she holds dear?
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Original Character(s), Poe Dameron/Original Female Character(s), Poe Dameron/Reader, Poe Dameron/You
Kudos: 13





	1. The Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Whoooo we’ll see how long this series ends up being, probably more than a few parts, but I think I’ll actually be able to finish this one. (apologies for spelling and grammar, I am forever unbeta-ed)
> 
> Pairing: Eventual Poe Dameron x Reader (this is gonna be a slooooow burn), hints at Ben Solo x reader (but I really just wrote them as wholly platonic bffs)
> 
> (simultaneously being posted on tumblr, my username is @peterpparkrr)

“C’mon, Ben!” You shout behind you as you race through the training course Master Skywalker had set up for the two of you, “At least make me work for it!” You tease as you whip your head back to confirm that he’s still struggling with one of the training droids.

“Please, you’re cheating!” Ben protests as he sprints to try and catch up with you.

“Am not! You’re just a sore loser!” You holler as you laugh at Ben’s frustration.

You’re just about to grab the gold flag tied to the tree branch at the end of course when you’re suddenly being pulled backward. You whip your head around to see Ben’s outstretched hand as he uses the force to pull you away from the prize as he sprints forward.

“Hey!” You protest, as he races past you and grabs the flag instead, “That’s not fair!”

“Now who’s the sore loser?” Ben asks with a smirk as he saunters back over to where you’re sitting on the ground, offering you his hand. You begrudgingly accept it as he helps you back to your feet, “Maybe if you stopped taunting people you would win more often,” He offers you as he pushes his arm against your shoulder teasingly.

“This is why no one likes training with you,” You grumble moodily as the two of you walk back to the temple. You see Ben’s face cloud over at your comment, “Except me,” You add as you smile up at him gently. You knew the other padawans were a touchy subject when it came to Ben.

“I mean… I gotta train with someone who offers at least an ounce of challenge,” You say, cutting down your kind comment with another teasing one.

Ben looks over at you with a bemused look, “A lot of confidence for someone who got their ass kicked just moments ago,” He replies.

You’re about to retort when Master Skywalker appears in front of you.

“Good work Ben, (Y/N) you can go join the others in the courtyard, I need to speak with Ben,” He tells you. You shoot Ben a small smile before heading towards the others.

Master Skywalker has been spending a lot of time with Ben one on one lately. They’d both assured you that it was nothing, just that as Ben was nearing the end of his training that they needed to have more one-on-one training. But you couldn’t remember any of the older padawans getting this kind of treatment. Ben told you everything was fine, so you brushed off your concern.

* * *

You and Ben were just hanging out after dinner one night. Most of the other students were together, playing games and talking, but recently Ben preferred for the two of you to retreat to your tent so that the two of you could spend time together alone, away from the prying eyes of your fellow padawans.

You were attempting to read one of Master Skywalker’s texts, a long and boring account of ‘the exploration of the force’ or something boring like that. Ben was just laying on his stomach on your cot, supposedly practicing his calligraphy, but every time you glanced over at him he was just staring into space, lost in his own thoughts.

“What’s gonna happen when we’re done training?” Ben asks out of the blue.

“What’d you mean?” You ask as you look up from your book. You were used to Ben’s seemingly random questions and comments, he was often so deep in his own head that he forgot that you couldn’t read his mind, at least not without some effort.

Ben shrugged as he rolled to look at you more directly, “Well, soon Luke will be done training us, what do we do when we’re actual Jedi?”

You sighed as you set your book down on your lap, “Well, I suppose we’ll just go on missions without Luke, maybe help him train some of the younger padawans? I guess I’ve never really thought about it.”

“I think we should start thinking about the future, what it holds from us, you and me.”

“Oh yeah? What’s your plan for the future then?” You ask with a teasing smile.

“Something great. The Jedi… they’re flawed. But us, we could be something else, something more powerful.”

“C’mon Ben, be realistic, I know Master Skywalker isn’t perfect, but we’re gonna be Jedi, we’re gonna help people,” You laughed as you pushed yourself off the floor where you were sitting and practically launched yourself over to your cot, landing on top of Ben with an ‘oof’. He cracked a smile as he wrapped his arms around your torso and hugged you against him.

“Wherever we end up, we’ll be together, I promise,” You told Ben, your voice muffled as you spoke into his chest.

“Promise,” Ben echos into your hair. He wasn’t certain of much, but one thing that he was certain of was that you would be together. You’re his best friend. Without you he would be even more lost than he already was.

* * *

Massacre. That was the only way to describe what had happened.

You’d been jolted awake. Something felt wrong, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. You pulled yourself out of bed and pushed your head outside your tent. There was a faint glow coming from Ben’s tent, the green glow of a lightsaber.

Something was wrong. Then you heard the familiar sound of two lightsabers intersecting.

You reached out for your own saber before starting to make your way to Ben’s tent. But before you could the tent collapsed and you were thrown backward.

Lightning cracked all around you and you looked up at the temple just as it was struck and erupted into flames.

“Ben!” You shouted over the crackling of the fires that burnt around you.

Ben looked up from the pile of rubble where his tent used to be, “He- He tried to kill me (Y/N)! Snoke tried to warn me! He knew Luke would try to kill me! He feared how powerful I was.”

“What? Why would Master Luke…”

Ben stared at you, hard.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Luke’s dead.” He told you. There seemed to be nothing but hatred in his voice, “Come with me.” He offered, “(Y/N), please, let’s go.”

“I-I…” You stuttered. You tried to figure out what was happening. This ‘Snoke’ that Ben spoke of, him killing Luke, it didn’t make any sense to you.

“This is our future, Snoke has shown me everything, this is our future. This is our destiny.”

“The dark side? Ben, that’s not us.”

“You want to be a Jedi? Master Luke, my own uncle just tried to kill me, just because I’m aware of my own power. Do you think that’s the light side? That’s good?” He asked with a wry smirk, but there was no amusement in his voice, “Luke wanted to make us obedient sheep who do his bidding, we can be so much more than that. So much more powerful!”

You shook your head, “I-I can’t. We can’t. Ben… the dark side? Have you lost your mind?”

“I will go with or without you (Y/N). Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“Please don’t do this Ben,” You plead with him.

Ben hesitates as he looks into your desperate eyes yet he ignites his lightsaber nonetheless.

“Ben…” You whisper as you ignite your own lightsaber.

“I’m no longer Ben Solo,” He says as he moves towards you, blade held above his head.

The blue blade of Ben’s lightsaber connects with the green blade of your own, and you can’t help but wince at the clash. It’s wrong. This is all so wrong.

You try to counter his moves as rapidly as you can, but you can’t bring yourself to launch your own attack, only defend against his.

“If you’re not with me, you’re against me!” Ben shouts at you as he continues his unrelenting attacks, “Fight me! Fight back!”

“I can’t, I won’t fight you Ben!” You try to reason with him.

You keep stepping further and further back in retreat as Ben’s saber presses against your own. You felt your calf press against a large beam of wood, probably part of the destroyed temple. Before you had time to adjust Ben pushed you back harshly and you yelped slightly as you tripped. You tried to brace your fall with your open hand but it was futile as your head banged against another piece of debris from the destruction all around you.

You barely registered what had happened before the world went black. Ben’s imposing figure towering over you.


	2. Runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is a Jedi Padawan training under Luke Skywalker and is best friends with one Ben Solo. Unfortunately, just as soon as we meet her, it seems that her whole life flips upside down. Will the dark side succeed in destroying everything she holds dear?
> 
> Reader wakes up in the wake of the temple's destruction. Goes to Leia's base but struggles to grapple with the trauma of what just happened. Runs away with Han and Chewie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This one's a LOT of exposition, which I apologize for, but I promise things a really going to kick off next chapter! (apologies for spelling and grammar, I am forever unbeta-ed)

_You barely registered what had happened before the world went black. Ben’s imposing figure towering over you._

* * *

But then you woke up. 

The sun was just beginning to appear over the horizon as you pushed yourself off the ground, head pounding as you sat up and slowly took in your surroundings and as the events of the night before came back to you. 

Your eyes slowly adjusted to the golden sky above you as you blinked. Your stomach dropped as you took in the true destruction that Ben had wreaked last night. With the rising sun, every inch of the temple grounds was highlighted by the rays and the scorched wreckage all but surrounded you. You can see the still-smoldering wreckage of the temple itself to your left. You still couldn’t understand how Ben had done all of this, it felt like everything had exploded in an instant. And now you were left to sort through the wreckage. 

You push yourself off the ground and stand up, legs wobbling beneath you slightly as you begin to wade through the wreckage. As you walked through the rubble you tried to salvage the few things that you could. You make your way over to the X-Wing you could see landed a few hundred feet away. As you got closer you saw a familiar R2 unit sitting close by. You breathed out a sigh of relief as you rushed towards R2-D2.

“Oh thank the stars,” You muttered as R2 beeped at you in confusion.

“I know, I know,” You mutter as you check over the droid quickly, making sure that it hadn’t been too deeply damaged. 

“We gotta go R2, we gotta go,” You told the droid as you hoisted yourself into the fighter and began to turn on the controls. You didn’t want to spend any more time at the temple. You couldn’t bear the thought of crawling through the wreckage, of finding any of the others. You could feel it, the confirmation through the force that no one else was left. You couldn’t bear the thought of being on this maker-forsaken planet any longer.

* * *

When you landed on D’Qar you could see General Organa was already waiting for you on the tarmac. You pushed yourself out of the seat of your X-Wing and climbed down as quickly as you could manage.

As your feet landed on the cement you saw the concerned look in Leia’s eyes and you quickly pulled off your helmet as you made your way up to her.

“Ben- Master Luke- something happened but I-I don’t know…” You trail off, breathless, “There was a fire, it just all happened so fast. It’s all gone.” 

“(Y/N), slow down, you need to tell me what happened,” Leia replied as she brought a hand up to rub your arm and try to calm you down.

You breathed out a shaky sigh as your eyes flicked up to make eye contact with Leia briefly before trailing back down to the ground, “He-he-it all happened so fast, Master Luke and Ben were fighting? And then the next thing I knew the temple was crashing down around us.”

“It all happened so fast. But he just… he escaped.” You told her slowly, the weight of your words dawning on you just as you say them, “I tried to stop him, to talk to him but… He closed himself off completely. I-He’s gone to Snoke and the Knights of Ren. I know he has.” 

“And Luke? The others?” Leia asked, her voice was gentle, but you could feel her pushing for any ounce of information that you could give her. You knew she needed to know what happened, but it just got to be too much. 

You felt the tears prickle in your eyes as the lump in your throat finally got the better of you. Your head fell as the reality of what had happened finally hit you. The loss of the Jedi. They were all gone. 

As you slumped forward Leia was quick to grab you and embrace you in a tight hug, as her hand came up to cradle your head she felt something warm and sticky coat her fingers. She withdrew her hand to see it covered in blood. 

“(Y/N), we have to get you to the medbay,” Leia mutters as she leads you away from your ship.

* * *

You wake up the next morning with no memory of how you got to the infirmary. The medics released you from the infirmary, your wounds were pretty minor, you just have a concussion and a few cuts and bruises.

Leia seems to make it her plan to deal with her own grief by taking care of you. She makes you eat with her, checks in on you what feels like every hour on the hour, whatever it is that she fears might happen to you, you’re not sure. Unfortunately, her plans to babysit you 24/7 are disrupted by the reality of dealing with what happened. Leia’s required to do damage control on the massacre. She doesn’t let you come to those meetings. Your survival isn’t disclosed to anyone other than the few of Leia’s trusted advisors. 

Truthfully, you know why, and you’re grateful. You’d never been one for politics. And now if everyone knew the truth of what had happened, you’d be the center of the galaxy’s attention. And not in a good way.

Your parents are government officials on Hosnian Prime. Your father was elected Naboo’s senator to the New Republic when you were just a child. Your parents have always been close to Leia. And if everyone in the galaxy knew you were alive… the threat on both your life and theirs would be exponential. If the whispers were true, this ‘First Order’ that was growing in power would put you at the top of their list as targets, and with your parents, in the public eye, they would be easy to find. 

You couldn’t risk it. And neither could Leia. So she kept you a secret.

* * *

You were silently walking the grounds just outside of the base with Leia when she finally asks the question you’d been dreading.

“(Y/N), whenever you feel ready if you’d like to begin your training again-”

“I won’t,” You tell Leia sharply, cutting her off before she can even finish her offer, “I-I’m sorry Leia, but I can’t. I can’t be a Jedi anymore. I won’t.” 

“Very well,” Leia replies, knowing not to push you any further, “But if you ever change your mind, I’ll always be here for you.” She tells you, walking away before you can respond.

* * *

You’d been sitting in an alcove of the hangar when you see them. Han Solo and Chewbacca walking towards their ship. You hadn’t seen Ben’s father since you’d come to the base. At first, you thought he must be off-world.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you.” You say as you walk up to him.

“Listen, kid, this whole thing-” Han tried to explain, but you just cut him off.

“No, I don’t care that you’re running away from your wife and your problems. I just want to come with you.”

Han’s eyebrows shoot up into his hair, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“I’m a hard worker. I have skills that could be useful to you. Take me with you. I can’t be here any more than you can.” You tell him, “I need to get away from this base. Same as you.”

Han huffed before shrugging his shoulders, “Fine, but if you get too annoying I reserve the right to leave you on some random planet.” 

You grin, “Deal.”

“Well, what are you waiting for? Go grab your things,” Han sighs.

“I don’t need them, I’ll be leaving all that behind.”


	3. Reawakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han and Chewie are reunited with the Millenium Falcon and the reader feels the pull of something that she'd tried to forget.

“Chewie. We’re home.” Han says with a grin as the three of you walk through, onto the ship you’d just captured -- sorry, Han’s ship that you’d just rightfully taken back. 

You couldn’t help but smile along with Han as you looked around, after years of Han and Chewie telling you stories about the Millenium Falcon and the “glory days” you were excited to finally see it yourself. Although the longer you looked around the more you realized that they had been even more hyperbolic than usual. The Falcon’s vintage, but she’d certainly seen better years.

You open your mouth to say something when you hear a noise and are quick to follow it to one of the grates in the floor. You and Chewie pulled it open only to see a girl, a boy, and a droid staring back up at you. 

“Where are the others? Where’s the pilot?” Han asks the pair as you help pull them out of the crawl space.

“I’m the pilot,” The girl replied quickly. 

Han and Chewie shared a look of disbelief. The two humans looked like they were about your age, but you could tell they had no idea what they were doing, just the two of them on a ship like this? You weren’t buying it either. 

“No, it’s true, we’re the only ones on board,” The guy added.

Han looked them over before sighing, “Where’d you get this ship?”

“Niima outpost,” The girl responds quickly.

“Jakku? That junkyard?” Han asks in disbelief, “Told you we should’ve double-checked the western reaches. Who had it? Dukain?”

“I stole it, Unnkar Plutt, he stole it from the Irving boys who stole it from Dukain.”

“Who stole it from me! Well, you tell him Han Solo just stole back the Millennium Falcon for good,” Han tells her with a smug grin.

“This is the Millennium Falcon? You're Han Solo?” the girl asked with wide eyes.

Han’s face clouds over slightly, “I used to be.”

“Han Solo? The Rebellion General?” the guy asks as he turns to look at you curiously. You just shrug your shoulders in response.

“No, the smuggler!” his companion protests.

“Wasn't he a war hero?!” The man asks as he turns to you and Chewie.

"Yeah, I guess, kinda..." Chewie roars.

“Barely,” You add with a scoff.

You were all but ready to throw them in a pod when the pair drops a bomb.

“Wait! No -- we need your help!” She pleads

“Our help?” Han asks.

“This droid has to get to the Resistance base as soon as possible!” You look up at the girl curiously. What information could be so important that the resistance would need this desperately?

“He's carrying a map to Luke Skywalker.” The guy tells you. 

You and Han both stop dead in your tracks as you glance over at each other. There was no way… right? 

“You are the Han Solo that fought with the Rebellion. You knew him.” The guy offers as he looks past you, right at Han. You feel bad for him, sure he was your master, but he was Han’s best friend, his brother. You’d never actually talked about it, about what happened, Han never asked, and you’d never offered up that information. You’d both left your pasts behind the day he’d taken you along. And you had no intention of going back. 

“Yeah, I knew him. I knew Luke,” Han tells the pair, a faraway look in his eyes.

Before you could ask any more questions you were all interrupted by a loud clunking coming from your cargo docks.

“Don't tell me a Rathtar's gotten loose.”

“Wait -- a what?! Did you just say Rathtars? Hey!”

You and the others all exit the ship and quickly move towards one of the control panels. But before you can try to get a handle on the Rathtar situation you see a ship docking.

“Oh great. It's the Guavian Death Gang -- they must've tracked us from Nantoon.”

You huff, “I told you we should’ve-” 

“What's a Rathtar?” The girl asks you as one of the other screens shows a large tentacle dragging its way through another part of the ship. 

“They're big and dangerous…”

“Y'ever heard of the Trillia Massacre?!” Her companion asks, clearly concerned with the dangerous turn the current situation had taken.

“No.” She replies.

“Good.”

You quickly get the pair back below deck where they won’t be seen, keeping the BB droid up above with you. You knew this was gonna get ugly. 

“Han Solo. You are a dead man.” Bala-Tik says as he stares you all down. Han smiles innocently. The droid at your feet looks back and forth between the gang and Han nervously.

“Bala-Tik. What's the problem?” Han asks innocently 

“The problem is we loaned you fifty thousand for this job.” “I heard you also borrowed fifty thousand from Kanjiklub.”

“I never made a deal with Kanjiklub!”

“Tell that to Kanjiklub.”

You hear the familiar sound of a portal opening and you watch the life drain out of Han’s face as the Kanjiklub members appear on the other side of the corridor. Han smiles uncomfortably at the Kanjiklub members. 

“It's over for you.”

Tasu cocks his weapon, everyone’s here for blood. The droid beeps nervously at your feet.

You put your hands up in surrender, “Boys, please, you're both gonna get what we promised! Have we ever not delivered for you before?” 

“Yes,” Bala-Tik replies at the same time that Tasu growls, “Twice!”

“Nowhere left for you to hide. You and your little girlfriend are gonna have to pay.” 

You gulp and glance over at Han, your plan to talk your way out of this wasn’t going to plan, and you’d already been cornered. 

“That BB unit... the First Order is looking for one just like it. And two fugitives,” Bala comments as he looks at the droid cowering behind your legs curiously. 

“First I've heard of it,” Han says with a noncommittal shrug as you try to figure out what kind of mess you’ve managed to get yourselves mixed up in.

But before anyone can move again there’s an angry growl as the once semi-contained Rathtars hurtle out of their corner of the ship and directly at the Guavian Death Gang.

Once the Rathtars are loose everything happens so quickly you can’t quite process it. You manage to lose both gangs (thanks to the Rathars which you’re pretty sure ate all of them) and get out of there alive with the others. 

“You know, just once I’d like someone to assume I’m your daughter,” You huff as you and Han pull Chewie up the ram and into the Falcon. 

“You’re telling me, kid.”

“Please, you come off great,” You reply with a dismissive pfft, “Like you could get with a young, hot-”

“You and the boy bandage Chewie up,” Han instructs as he moves on to the cockpit. 

“So who are you exactly?” You ask the man as you motion for him to hold down Chewie as you bandage up his wound.

“My name is Finn,” He replies, “I’m with the resistance.”

You chuckle slightly at his horrible lie, “No you’re not, I know the resistance, maybe the girl’s naive enough to believe you-”

“Rey-”

“Well Finn, you and Rey are going to be in a lot more trouble when people figure out you’re not who you say you are,” You tell him before pressing down on Chewie’s wound, hard, causing him to howl in pain. 

“I-I just-”

“Well you should start with telling the truth, where’d you find the droid?”

“I was with a resistance pilot, it’s his droid, we were going to look for it when I found BB-8 with Rey. We really do need to get it back to the resistance.”

“Hey, we’ll figure it out, Maz will get the droid to General Organa and then we can go back to our own lives,” You tell Finn with a reassuring smile, “Don’t worry.”

* * *

“Han Solo! And (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!” Maz shouts when your group enters the cantina. It’s packed, yet the entire place goes silent at the mention of your names. Shit.

“Oh boy,” Han mutters under his breath as you both smile at Maz.

“Hiya Maz,” You say with a smile as you hug the woman in front of you, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yes, yes, I assume you’re here on business,” She comments as she looks at the others curiously, “Well come! Sit!”

* * *

“A map to Skywalker himself? You’re right back in the mess,” Maz says with a cheeky smile. After you and Han explain your situation to her. About how you found Finn, Rey, and the droid.

“Maz, I need you to get this droid to Leia,” Han explained.

“Hmm. No. You've been running away from this fight for too long. Han, (Y/N), nyakee nago wadda. Go home! Both of you!” She shouts at you.

Han sighed and shook his head, “Leia doesn't want to see me.”

As the others continue to argue with Maz you tune out of the conversation. 

As everyone breaks off you’re left sitting at the table with Maz. She stares at you intently as you sigh and try to think of something you can say to distract her from what you know she wants to ask you about. 

“The place looks great Maz, really-” But stop dead in your tracks when you feel it. The force, pulling you down beneath the trading post. Master Skywalker’s Lightsaber.

Before you can stop yourself. Before you can remind yourself that you left that life behind you, you’re standing up and walking through the crowd. 

“Rey? Are you...” You ask cautiously as you walk up to her. But she just mumbles something of an apology to Maz and pushes the lightsaber into her hands before running off, the droid close behind her. 

“You can’t keep running from your destiny, my dear, you need to help her,” Maz tells you. Just as vague and mysterious as per usual. 

“The girl -- Rey-- she’s…” You stammer out as you try to organize your thoughts. Realizing your suspicions from when you first met her were right. You thought you’d felt something, like the force pulling you towards her, but you were so out of practice, so removed from everything, that you hadn’t been sure. 

“She’s like you,” Maz replies as she takes your hand, confirming your suspicions, you’d been able to feel something when you boarded the Falcon, something you hadn’t felt since your time training, “Just as powerful, but without your training.”

“Go to her. Help her, she’s going to need you now more than ever,” Maz urged you as you nodded grimly and took off after the younger woman.

But you didn’t get very far. As you stood in the doorway of the outpost and scanned the tree line for a hint of where the girl and the droid had run off to you were shocked by a large shock of blood-red light streaming across the horizon.

You watched in horror, along with the growing crowd as the beams of light flew across the sky. You felt a sharp pain in your core as they made an impact.

“Maz…” You didn’t even have to finish the sentence for her to know what you wanted to ask.

“The Hosnian System, my dear.” She replies sadly as she looks up at you.

“Oh my god.” You felt the life drain out of you at that moment. Your parents. You can’t look away from the sky, you can’t move, even as you hear the sound of ships approaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the action now! Next chapter will feature a confrontation with the man formerly known as Ben Solo, as well as the introduction (finally! I know it's taken forever) of a Mister Poe Dameron. (plus the link to a spotify playlist for this series is also coming soon!)


End file.
